Three steps for navigating interpersonal conflict
Working in a team environment can be incredibly rewarding, or it can be terribly frustrating. One element that makes a big difference is conflict. Most people imagine something negative when they think of conflict. That's understandable because conflict can be unpleasant, especially if it comes with criticism and personal attacks. However, conflict by itself is not a problem. Conflict is a normal and necessary part of effective teamwork as long as it’s handled constructively.
Conflict emerges when differences of opinion become evident between team members. This is a good thing for a highly functional team because the best solutions come from constructive interaction among team members. When different ideas interact, they can construct a new and better idea. Where conflict goes wrong is when it stops being about the ideas and starts becoming personal.
It’s important for team leaders to create a safe environment that reinforces constructive interaction while minimizing interpersonal conflict, but it’s equally important that individuals on the team learn to do their part in managing such interpersonal conflict. Below are three steps for how an individual can more effectively navigate such difficult situations.
Step One: Manage Yourself
This is the simplest but hardest step. You don’t control other people but you are in charge of yourself. Self-management is the first step in managing conflict. Recognize and name the emotions you are feeling. Doing so is an effective way to process and move past difficult emotions such as anger, resentment, or blame. Notice the voice in your head saying, “But it’s their fault!” It doesn’t matter who’s at fault when it comes to getting control of your own emotions.
Step Two: Create the Space for Resolution
Only when you’ve managed yourself and your own emotions, move to step two, creating the space for resolution. This happens on two levels. On the surface level, you create the actual space by asking the other party(ies) to have a conversation with you. You can’t force this on someone; they have to come willingly. This is made easier by the safe space you create on a deeper level. It’s imperative you make it as safe as possible to have this conversation. Avoid any hint of blame and take ownership for what you want. “Hey, I don’t feel I handled our last conversation as well as I could have and I’d like to make it right. Can we find time to talk?” Creating a safe space continues into the final step.
Step Three: Create Dialogue
The alternative to interpersonal conflict is open dialogue, which leads to constructive interaction. Start by sharing and owning your perspective. Keep it simple, focus on the facts, and own your feelings. Then ask for their perspective and listen. Listen with your ears, your mind, and your heart. This is where it’s critical again to self-manage. Don't take anything they say personally. Simply strive to understand it from their perspective with empathy. Finally, ask for what you need. If you’ve been open and honest about your perspective and truly allowed the other person to feel heard, asking for what you need will flow naturally. In practice, it may be bumpy, but this provides a structure for the conversation.
Conflict is a natural outcome of humans working together and is necessary for creating better results. Learning to navigate it safely and productively takes practice and intention.
Mike Caracalas
Professional Executive Coach
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About the Author
Before becoming a professional coach with his own Leadership Coaching firm, Mike Caracalas worked for Sun Microsystems and YUM! Brands in training, HR, and leadership development. He holds a B.A. in psychology, M.A. in organizational psychology, CPCC (Certified Professional Co-Active Coach), and PCC (Professional Certified Coach).