Boundaries improve life balance and wellness
You’ve heard it before: “To find balance and well-being in your life, you need to set better boundaries.” That’s easier said than done when the world around you constantly conspires to overstep your boundaries. But it’s true, and building the skill and determination to do it will make a huge difference in your life.
Boundaries are about ownership. Think of the fence that defines the boundary of your property or the passwords that guard your data. Your wellness is no different. While you can’t control all the forces pressing into your personal boundaries, you can become a lot more skilled at managing those boundaries.
There are three skills to master. The first is to define your boundaries as clearly as possible. If you buy a piece of land, you meticulously locate the property lines. What are your personal boundaries to be defined? One major example is time; your time is your own. It doesn’t always feel that way, because this is the most common boundary that outside forces will trample. Nevertheless, you decide how you will spend your time, from how you’ll spend your life, how you’ll spend the next moment, to everything in between. The more intentionally you define it, the better. Other examples of personal boundaries include physical space, emotional intimacy, intentions, and actions. You own all those boundaries. The key is to be clear with yourself and upfront, so you’re prepared for the next two skills.
Second, you need to communicate your boundaries. Sometimes this is a clear direction for others, like: “This is my personal space, please stay out of it.” But for something like time, it’s more of a negotiation. When you enter into an employment agreement, for example, you’re agreeing to spend your time in a particular way in exchange for something in return, primarily money, but also personal fulfillment, joy, etc. Boundaries are only as effective as they are visible and known. You communicate through clear agreements but also in body language, tone of voice, and other actions.
Finally, you need to honor your boundaries. Much of the time we violate our own boundaries by taking action that runs counter to what we truly want; I want to lose weight, but I often violate the boundary I’ve set for myself to avoid sugary treats. Or you set a boundary to not work after 6 p.m., but you find yourself continually logging on to work after hours. We also fail to honor boundaries when we say nothing about others crossing our boundaries. This may be the hardest part of managing boundaries, but we must speak up when others cross the boundaries we’ve set. The ease or difficulty of doing this is directly correlated to how well you’ve managed the first two skills. If you haven’t defined and communicated your boundaries, it becomes almost impossible to honor them.
Every moment is a new opportunity to get it right. What boundaries do you need to more clearly define right now?
Mike Caracalas
Professional Executive Coach
michael.caracalas@utsouthwestern.edu
About the Author
Before becoming a professional coach with his own Leadership Coaching firm, Mike Caracalas worked for Sun Microsystems and YUM! Brands in training, HR, and leadership development. He holds a B.A. in psychology, M.A. in organizational psychology, CPCC (Certified Professional Co-Active Coach), and PCC (Professional Certified Coach).